How to make, release and sell an album...

1. Throw money at the problem

    You can't possibly record and produce yourself, so don't try.  You're stupid if you try.   You must hire a local "pro" or find the most famous person within your budget to produce.  A paid producer will care deeply about your art and will probably get you a major label deal.  Most importantly, you will never get good sound from your home recording setup (even though most label-supported acts record on a laptop in someone's living room), and you'd never learn anything from trying.

2. Take a band photo standing on train tracks

    It's important to set yourself apart by prominently displaying a photo in your liner notes of yourself near train tracks.   By looking like everyone else, you'll be different.  Have everyone bring their instrument, and carry a pack of smokes to be sure.

3. Hitch up to a legend (rather than a friend)

    Get the most famous person you can to play a guitar solo or sax part on one of your songs.   You might have friends who are just as talented, but forget them.  They're not famous.  Having a legend (like someone from the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) on your album will get you international exposure and a six album deal.

4. Set up a CD RELEASE SHOW!!! at a happening local club

    The club's owner and talent buyer will be very interested in your art.  It's their passion.  THE RELEASE SHOW IS THE MOST IMPORANT PART OF MAKING AN ALBUM!!!!!  If you do things right, after this one show your band will skyrocket to international stardom.  It happens all the time.

5. Chop down a forest

    Make three million flyers with your band's stupid picture on it and staple them to every exposed surface within 100 miles. People besides other bands will read them.  They'll figure you're big time if you're on cheap-looking flyers all over town.

6. Send your album to local stations and watch for your huge ASCAP check

    Young college DJs are very open-minded and have refreshingly eclectic taste.  Best of all, you don't have to be friends with anyone at the station and they'll play the shit out of your album of Dawson's Creek covers.  If you don't hear your music played, it's probably because one of the DJs liked it so much he took it home.  Dumbass.

7. Lug a tub of crap to every gig

    The key to success is sell sell sell yourself.   Make a bunch of t-shirts, bumper stickers, pot holders, frisbees and other useless crap with your band's tacky logo on it.  It will sell like hotcakes every time you stop for breath from hauling that giant tub.  If it DOESN'T, it's because people are just stupid and it's all just bullshit and who you know.  It's not that your band is horrible.

8. Maybe work on your songwriting sometime, no big deal

    Having good songs and a polished live act helps, but the main thing is to have PRODUCT out there and be selling it like a Moroccan milkman.  Being good isn't good enough.  There are great acts out there who needed years to get noticed.  Like Toby Keith and the Donnas.

    Good luck!  And remember, the more you try to do for yourself, the worse off you'll be.

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